Hi my name is Jason. About a month ago I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. It’s been a difficult time, because I couldn’t comprehend or articulate what the disorder does to me. Now I’m in the position to be able to articulate the disorder.
I’m currently at drama school studying a Master’s in Acting. For that Masters we have to conduct a research project. My project will be focussing on anxiety and the actor being able to access his own voice without anxiety inhibiting it.
As an actor in training, having generalised anxiety disorder is difficult. Personally, I struggle with my voice as an actor, I find it difficult to access the full capacity of my voice. Having anxiety hinders this.
Why? Due to the disorder, I have a voice in my head which I label the “voice of anxiety” and it creates false scenarios surrounding my fears inside my mind. They are irrational, but they feel real. They make me worry. They make me panic. The voice is very persuasive. At the beginning I found it incredibly difficult to ignore the voice because of its intensity. I tried my hardest to listen to my own voice reassuring myself that everything was fine and that I had nothing to worry about, but I couldn’t hear it. I couldn’t hear my own voice or the voices of others; the one’s I love, the one’s I care about. I was defeaned by the “voice of anxiety” that lives inside my head. What the people I love and care about dearly told me my “voice of anxiety” would wickedly translate, forcing me to question their words. I believed everything they told me but only for a split second. Anxiety allowed that split second, luring me into a false sense of security, only to then destroy that split second.
The voice of anxiety says;
“She tells you she loves you, you don’t deserve to be loved.”
“We are always here for you, no one is there for you.”
“You are good enough for me, you aren’t good enough for anyone.”
I’m sorry to those people that my anxiety affected, I hope we can talk about it one day so I can help you understand it. I tried with every ounce of energy, with every fibre of my being to shout back at my voice of anxiety but it just wouldn’t listen to me! I shouted so loud, but it ignored me. And continued to ignore me until the medication kicked in.
To those people that my anxiety affected, I want you to know that I believed you when you told me that you loved me, I loved you too. Still do. I believed you when you told me that you cared for me, I cared for you too. Still do. I believed you when you told me I was good enough, I know I am good enough. My voice of anxiety convinced me to believe it’s voice and not the voices of the people I hold dearest, the people I respect, the people who have a very special place in my heart. It feels like I betrayed you, because I should have listened to you but I had no control or power over it.
The words that escaped my mouth were the words of my voice of anxiety whispering viscously in my mind’s ear. I was merely a mouthpiece for the evil ventriloquist that lives inside my mind. He put thoughts in my head and thrn words into my mouth, reducing me to being a ventriloquists dummy. It made me feel dumb. I’m a person who likes to think about things and make decisions based on rational thinking. But my anxiety gave me no time to think, the ventriloquist’s words came out of my mouth quicker than you can blink. I know I can’t take them back.
It’s hard to understand when you don’t suffer from it. It’s hard to understand when you do suffer from it. (It’s taken me a month to be able to articulate it myself.)
Now I know how to articulate what I’m experiencing, I want to use my voice and this research project to create a one man show that tackles this topic. I’ll be working on that from now until September.
I want to tell people close to me, the people I love that this isn’t like me, you know the real me, so just ignore what comes out of my mouth. I know that’s easier said than done.
I want to help the people close to me, the people I love understand my anxiety, so they can realise that the “Jason” they know is still here. His voice is still present, but his anxiety is present too. Sometimes the balance isn’t equal. He’s working on controlling that balance, listening to his own voice, not the voice of anxiety. He will no longer be a ventriloquists dummy being controlled by the ventriloquist in his mind.
To articulate a condition you’re experiencing, people often place it into a world that they are familiar with. My world is football. I love football and have played it for 14 years. Currently playing for and captaining AFC Norton #woi on a Sunday morning.
Commentator; “Today’s fixture is between two arch rivals;
The Voice Of Jason Vs The Voice of Anxiety.
It’s like a rival football match, where a draw would be the best possible outcome, a point is better than none. Keep taking a point everytime you play against your rival because it gives you the confidence to build on to turn that draw into a win, that point into three. A win may happen against anxiety, once in a while. Jason could lose too. It’s all about reducing the losses. Increasing the wins and draws, gaining points gradually, building form to climb up the table. At the moment you might be facing a relegation battle but gaining a respectable mid-table finish isn’t impossible if you can turn your form around. I see life in seasons not years, and seasons are long, things can turn around before you know it.
Tactics need to be implemented, a game plan to follow that can help defend, attack, counter the anxiety.
My medication attacks the anxiety.
Exercise and hobbies like football and watching LokiDoki’s Journeyman Football Manager series on YouTube or writing poetry helps to counter th anxiety.
Just taking a moment to breath, rest and sleep well and speaking to a therapist and counsellor helps to defend against it.
(there are many more tactics but it all depends on the individual)
TRAINING IS KEY! As a big football lover and player of the game, training on your weaknesses is important for development. Recognising them is half the battle. Recognising the weakness shows a lot of maturity, training yourself to improve those weaknesses sets you apart from the other players who don’t even recognise their weaknesses.
You can always improve!
You can always develop!
You have the ability to deal with and beat your anxiety and the potential to grow and live your life the way you want too.
It just takes time. If you’re currently losing against your anxiety, don’t worry, the whistle hasn’t blown for full time yet. The comeback is always on. 90 minutes is a long time. I’ve seen teams fight back to win from losing positions (I’ve captained teams to do the same) you can do this! You have the rest of your life to keep fighting back. Don’t rush the play. Take your time. Don’t force it. And last of all, when the chances come take those opportunities and be clinical.
We have to be the manager and the captain of our own mind. Play your game. Listen to your own voice, don’t be influenced by the one in your head.
Sweet dreams,
Jason x
The Journeyman 